Tuesday, September 09, 2003

God's Hand?

I don't have anything particular to write today, but I have fallen out of the habit - and I want to get back into it. I tend to fuss so long over what I am writing that I become overwhelmed at the thought of doing it. So just type Andy type.

We took Jacob in to get tubes put in his ears today. It is a relatively minor surgery, in fact, it only took a few minutes. I knew that the only real risk in the operation was the anestisia. Ok... now let's swing this whole thing back to God, and my never ending shifting theology (pardon me while I pop an asprin). I really felt a fair amount of fear about Jacob going under. I couldn't help at times envisioning the worst, and what would my response be. Unlike Job, I think bird and heavenward come to mind... that and the destruction of everything within a hundred yards of me. Somehow I do not picture that I would calmly say " the Lord giveth..... blah, blah, blah.....

I find it interesting how my thoughts on these matters have changed over the years. When I merely operated in theory, I was confident that I could answer like Job... this life was only temporary anyway. It seems I am more bonded to this life now, cause I could not now take it so lightly.

What was the deal with Job anyway?... was he that deep? or that simplistic? I tend to think it was simplicity. I have seen some very trusting people, whom I was convinced that they were so simply because they did not know any better. I am convinced that most people are able to survive their Christianity with a fair amount of happiness because they tend to give it very little critical thought.

The only other way I see that Job could have done it, is if he had a very real sense of the prescence of God. That could bring about that level of eternal trust..... This is what I do not have. If Jacob died, I could see no purpose for it... therefore it is random... and how do I trust a God who lets the chips fall where they may. Therefore... God must be in control. But that falls apart for me too. There seems to be too much damn randomness.

In the movie "Signs", Mel Gibsons character states that there are two kinds of people. Those who believe there are no conicidences, that everything is being orchestrated. Others feel that everything is chance, and that there is no one watching out for us. I am terrified at the possibility of the latter. However, I don't think he mentioned a third option. There is someone watching... but he is just doing that.... watching.

I loved in Dogma, when the woman who is "chosen" is talking to Bartleby. She says something to the effect "Remember when you were young... and you didn't question. God was up there, watching over us, and he had a plan, and everything was alright. What I wouldn't give to feel that way again". I think when Kevin Smith wrote that part, he tapped in to what a lot of people feel.

How did I get off on this tangent? Oh yes, Jacob. See, years ago, I would have believed that nothing could have happened to Jacob because I was on God's team; in fact, I was one of the favorites.

Today, I felt a chill and relief when Jacob came out of surgery. Was God's hand on my son today? Or did I just get lucky?
Related Posts with Thumbnails