How To Lose An Ally

"That's the difference between the Democratic and the Republican Party - Democrats are hostage to their crazy minority and Republicans are hostage to their crazy majority." ~ Bret Stephens

I often say that Democrats and liberals have a talent for turning allies into enemies.  The slightest deviance from whatever is the accepted orthodoxy of the moment can get a politician or leader in more hot water than they care to deal with.

I re-read a conversation that occurred on a friend's page last year where this was happening.  Issues of sexuality and gender were being discussed and I would guess that nearly everyone in the thread felt roughly the same way in terms of rights for everyone.  There was one person though who felt a lot of frustration with any variance away from her "pure" view... and that was translating into her doling out some pretty harsh rhetoric.  People who should have been allies were in her crosshairs and she did not question pulling the trigger.

I have met a lot of liberals like her over the years... and I am pretty sure they may have motivated as many folks to MAGA rallies as the orange buffoon himself.

Anyway, here was what I wrote at the time... and I still feel this way.  And no, in her estimation, I am just part of the problem.

"Amy I think you are expecting too much from people.

I teach math.  Have you ever tried to do math in a different number system?  It's kinda crazy.  We have done math our whole lives in base 10... probably because we have 10 digits on our hands.  If we had 12, all of our math would probably be done in base 12.

So, for example, in base 3 math 1+2=10.  That's cause the odometer spins after 2 instead of 9.  Get a bunch of adults trying to do math in base 3 and you will see them counting on their fingers to do the simplest equations.  They have been functioning under base 10 all their lives.  Their brains are literally wired for it.

I know "how" to do math in other number systems... but it still feels awkward and I have to REALLY think about it.  It never comes natural.

In the same way, people have been brought up to perceive gender in a certain way... their WHOLE lives...  Then someone explains that, actually, there is a whole new mathematical approach.  It is probably never going to be as 2nd nature to them as it is to you... even if they are trying.

I mentally assent to all of the issues regarding sexuality and gender... but I can't say I "get" them.  I can do the math... but I really have to pay attention.  It can be a little exhausting when people resent me when it does not come as naturally for me as it does for them... as I am sure it is exhausting when they have to re-explain something that, to them, is as clear as day.

My kids are much more "fluent" with trans issues.  I will probably always feel a bit like a right-hander throwing left-handed.

We all want to be heard and we all want to be understood... but I don't think we can demand that of others.  We can demand equal treatment under the law.  We can expect to be treated civilly.  I think though, to describe someone who does not "get" me as "despising" me is not helpful, nor is it accurate."